i saw a movie today when i was supposed to be cleaning out the church attic for camp money. i think that i'm subconsciously sabotaging myself by not earning any money for camp. because i'm kinda nervous about going.

and when i'm stoned i type with really exaggerated finger movements and my head weighs too much for my body.

fuck eating disorders. fuck my life.
i'm a whiney bitch sorry.

i'm going to youth group. don't ask me why.
mostly to avoid being home and starting on another binge.
i hate church.

FML

i can't put into words what is happening.
because i don't even FUCKING know.
my family doesn't know what shit went down last time around.
they're probably to stoned to care.

so FML

so, i'm watching the HBO doc Thin. probably for like the bazillionth time. we watched it in fit for life class and i was just like BWAHAHHAHAHAH.

i was hauling bark and dirt today for a good three hours, and didn't eat anything until dinner around 8 tonight. at dinner i only ate some chicken and a bunch of raw carrots. all evening i couldn't figure out why i had such a bad headache. i just figured that i hadn't eaten enough or whatever. i get them all the freaking time anyways. so after dinner it didn't go away and this has been going on since 5 and it's like 1:45. then i came inside after a smoke, and was like oh jeez maybe i'm dehydrated. I mean i was out in the sun shoveling dirt all day. so i drank like half a glass of water, and poof - headache almost gone!

what a tard. i'm so amazing that i don't even realize the most likely answer is exactly what is wrong. go me.

tomorrow is my grandparents anniversary party. and i'm sure there will be loads of food there, so i'm taking a water bottle and drinking a shit ton of water the whole time... then if i do eat way too much i can just purge it. i know that it's stupid but that's how my mind works. hooray for eating disorders.

and yes, i'm a sarcastic person.

so, i want to elaborate a bit on my past. mostly my teenage years.

it's not really hit me until lately, that just because i was never under weight doesn't mean i never had an eating disorder. I know now more than ever that eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. your body size doesn't determine how messed up in the head you can be.

my eating disorder came about when i was a freshman in high school. i think it started just about when i was starting school actually. i don't remember the first time i thought i was fat. i imagine that it was in about third or fourth grade because that's when my hair started getting fluffy, and i started getting curvy, and i got glasses.

it started out with skipping meals. it wasn't a lot until about that december, but i'd been cutting myself since i was thirteen and that was still going on throughout all the food problems. after awhile, i started eating less and less. i wasn't a very social person to begin with but i'd go to school events and sports games so that i could avoid family meals. i rarely ate at school and it was never more than half of the meal put in front of me. i just didn't like myself very much.

i had some friends that worried about me and told me to eat and such, but i never really listened. one night i did a horrible thing. after a friend asked if i was still cutting on myself, i told her that i was going to either hurt myself or starve my self and she had to pick which one if she was so concerned. she told me that i better keep starving because sooner or later i'd cut too deep and kill myself. that happened for awhile. i stopped cutting for a long time. i don't even do it that much anymore. it's been awhile since i have.

i think i was at my worst that summer at camp, because i wasn't barely eating anything. i was cold and shaky and i couldn't even barely make it up the big hill to our cabin. i basically survived on gatorade.
then i came home to my friends party and i hadn't seen her all summer. she noticed the difference right away, because she tells me that i looked so sick and tired and weak when she first saw me. our other friends where asking if i was okay, and we both just said that i was tired from being up really early in the morning. i've talked to her about it a bit, but i really want to know what she thought about it all back then.

i think my lowest was probably about 145 or 155. i weigh 212 right now. and when it all started i think i weighed around 185. most of the weight loss happened right around summer time because that's when i really fell hard.

after that week at camp was when i started getting better, because i started going to church more and i was using god as my strength i guess.

i'm not that into god anymore. i just don't feel it anymore i guess. i'm pretty much just ice inside nowadays.

well anyways, i fell at times throughout high school and now i think i'm falling the hardest i have since the first time. i never was a puker but i've thrown up two dinners since sunday and i only really eat dinner, and a little bit later at night because i stay up so late.

so, there's a bit about me and my history... for anyone that may read my journal. i just want people to know that you don't have to be so thin you might break to have a real problem, and not to be afraid that people won't believe you because there are people out there who will. your good friends will believe you if you let them in.

so, i've been a little messed up lately. I made a big mistake at a party on saturday. i was pretty drunk after all. nobody is letting me forget it either. some people won't answer my calls or texts. someone wrote all over my truck and windshield on monday night when it was parked in some parking lot. everyone at the party monday night thought it was hilarious when they heard about it from my drunk best friend. of course it turns out that most of them new the guy that i slept with that night. it's been an amazing week!

and i went to church tonight, well youth group. that was super exciting. kept me from doing anything stupid at home, so there's the silver lining. i still felt like a freak, and i'm completely hard and cold and shut off now, so i stood there unaffected by the singing and praying and preaching. that never happens. i'm going to camp in the beginning of august so i don't want to be like this when i get there. i will be, but hopefully it wears off after a night or two there.

i'm falling back into old habits. i don't want to explain them to my youth director in august, but i'll have to. unless i can recover in a month or two, there is no way i can hide it from here. she knows when i lie. it's actually quite frightening. i've been listening to two songs on a loop for hours because i'm trying to get my emotions back. they're emotional songs. it's not working. for now that's fine because i don't do anything bad when i'm emotionless and cold and hard. except cut. i think i'm over that though. i tried it and it's just not happening. that's a good thing.

so now i'm staying up late. listening to the cranberries and eef barzelay. maybe i'll watch some movies. or some degrassi. or maybe i'll stay up online until i pass out at the computer. the latter is the most likely scenario.

peace out.

sometimes i want to go back and delete all my old posts. this account has been with me for a long time. maybe one day i'll do it, but for now they'll stay up. i guess i'm too nostalgic that way. anyone who reads this, please note that i've changed over the years. how about a re-introduction:

I'm eighteen years old.
I just graduated from high school, college starting in the fall.
i like to write. a lot. everything.
apparently i'm a smart person.
other people tell me that, i don't really think so.
i just have a little bit of common sense. and decent genes.
i like to listen to music.
i also like to watch movies.
hence the off topic one-liner subjects.

now to be completely honest...
i have struggled with at least some level of an eating disorder for the past four years. it's varied, but never left.
i'm not big on stats or anything. i don't have a "HW, LW,GW,UGW" so don't worry.
i'm not pro-ana, pro-mia, or any of that shit.
maybe i used to think i was, who knows. i read, said, and wrote some pretty weird shit here, over the years.
i try to be honest.
i really don't care that much if you don't like what i write in my journal.
here, nothing is appropriate or inappropriate.
i like comments, so leave them.
i also like friends, so become one.
most of my posts will be public, so feel free to read about my personal life all you want.
any name that i decide to use on here, may or may not be my real name.
the only reason for that is to protect my sanity.
as in, i have semi-nosy parents, and pretty nosy friends.

well, i think you'll either love me or hate me, but either way try to bear with me.

and don't flame me... let's be a little mature. just a little, not a lot.

okay, so i am 18 now, and ready to graduate in a little over a week. i haven't actually posted on here for a long time. this seems to be where i go when i'm in a bad place. I actually switched to another username for awhile, but now i'm back.

since my last post, a lot has happened. Not going into that.
i have a tattoo now, i'm going to college, i smoke, and that's all the simple stuff.

i decided to start writing an such, so i may be posting some of that here. sorry for any icky emo-ness that may occur. it's most likely unintentional.

i like never post here...

dang...

check out my xanga instead maybe. http://www.xanga.com/cyanidechicken

i washed my cell phone in the washing machine.

now it doesn't work.

It was really dirty! I swear it sounded like a good idea at the time.
(kidding!)

this week in ceramics i made... *drumroll*

one giant clay pig.

one little clay bear (teddy bear esqe) with a oversized head.

hopefully they get fired sooooon so i can glaze them.

the pig is for my cousin carrie who is in that class (i'm posting from her house too xD)
and the bear is just for me.

also, today i'm getting my hair cut, last night i started cutting out the pattern for the plushie doll thing i'm making. it's in similarity to these

I drank 24 oz of WHOLE milk today! i haven't even had that much whole milk in my entire life. I can't even drink 2%. I only drink nonfat milk. nonfat milk only. But i was at a barista training today so i have a 12 oz white chocolate mocha (totally fat... not even sugarfree) and a 16 ox iced mocha with almond not even sugar free... all with whole milk because they only had whole milk which sucks ass.

I drink friggin non fat.

and i didnt go to the gym because i was there all day...

and i had mexican food for lunch.
i never eat lunch. but damn that mexican was good

I hear the scale at the gym beckoning me every time i hit the locker room at the gym. It's the most daunting symbol of my imperfection, of my insecurities. I desperately want to jump on and measure out every ounce of my body, but my fear of that number repels me away and into the locker room every day. someday soon i will jump right on... and discover my worth in pounds, because that number determines if i am good enough or not. if i'm fat enough or thin enough... might even have a connection to wether or not i am smart enough, pretty enough, nice, fast, tough enough. But i'll never know until i get on.

didn't happen today, won't be there until at least thursday... maybe then.

Complete the statement of the week:

If you really knew me, you would know...

I'll give you one.

if you really knew me, you would know that i use to get heart palpitations and intense stomach pains because i sustained myself for a week in 90-100 degree weather on little more than gatorade.

It's my birthday! I'm 17 today, only one year until I'm officially an adult and i get the bestest birthday present ever, my tattoo! Well, I have a video for you today, enjoy it. Not that anyone reads me anyways.

yeah it's sooo last year... but it's my favorite, and i couldn't find another boomin video in a time crunch

Sooo... today's douchebag is the guy who orders a macchiato from my drive thru espresso stand.

First he asks if i can actually make a macchiato, then i make it like my boss had said the day before, 2-3 inches of foam unless he wants a dopio which is a spoonful of foam, and he didnt ask for a dopio, so i make it. First he says i put one too many shots in, but really i did multiple half shots, because if those were really two shots somebody would be getting screwed over. Then he bitches about too much foam and only wants a dollop. So i take it back and make him a dopio macchiato. When i tell him it's on the house he insists to pay $2 which is more than i would have charged anyways.

Here's the deal dude. Of course i'm not going to make the best drink ever, since the thing you want isn't even on our menu! If you're going to use your cool litle corporate coffe chain lingo, use it right because obviously i know more of it than you and i don't even go to starbucks. When someone messes up your order and you have to correct them, you shouldn't have to pay, and just because you have a ton of money doesn't men you have to be a total ass about it. And lastly, when there are like 5 more people in line waiting to be served, when the barista messes up your drink and you feel the need to totally lecture her about how to fix it, JUST LEAVE because it's not like she took any of your money. Just don't be a douche about the whole thing.

The Douche Bag award goes to you.

1. Are you slowly drifting away from someone close?
yes

2. When was the last time you felt unbearably guilty?
right now

3. How is life going for you right now?
jsut a little confusing, weebit fucked up and messy

4. When was the last time you held someone’s hand?
uhm god i have no idea

5. Who can you tell everything to?
i have no clue right now. very confusing times

7. Who was the last person you talked to on IM?
alexander

8. Last words you spoke?
night

9. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a C?
uhm... no... K though

13. How do you feel about gay marriage?
they can do whatever they want

14. What is the next concert you're going to?
maybe one at the DOS or Retrodoxy... if i ever get a car

17. Can you play guitar hero?
yes but i suck.

18. Do you like someone?
i have no idea... i did, then i didnt

20. Do you prefer warm or cold weather?
warm

21. Is any part of your body sore?
no

22. Who was your last text from?
mom

1. Where is the boy/girl you like now?
in my dreams

2. What did you do Friday night?
pity party

3. Name something you did yesterday?
making rice krispie treats

4. Last person you text messaged?
Liz

5. Who was the last person to call you?
mom

6. What are you doing right now?
talkign to alexander and writing my tuesday survey

7. Next time you travel out of the country where will it be to?
canada or mexico

8. What color are your eyes?
blue or green

9. Are you allergic to anything?
like everything

11. Do you like the person who posted this before you?
she's a'ight. i don't really talk to her much anymore

12. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Jen

13. What color is your hair?
red

14. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid?
Motorcycle mama, my dad taught it to me when i was little

15. What are you listening to right now?
the tele

16. Who knows a secret or two about you?
probably shar

17. When was the last time you worked out?
hahahahhahahahahahahah idk... supposed to be today... next time will be thursday

18. Do you like fire?
yes

19. Did you have a nap today?
in english... mini nap

20. What is your favorite drink?
anything espresso-y

21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
jeans

25. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing now?
Kohls

26. Have you ever wanted to be a teacher?
yes at one point

28. Is anyone jealous of you?
idk... doubtful. if they are they're crazy

30. Have any regrets?
hellzah yes

31. Where were you 1 hour ago?
here

32. Where were you this weekend?
work

35. Has anyone ever told you that they like you more than as a friend?
nope

38. Who did you last hang out with?
oh god jen

39. What are you looking forward to?
thursday lasagna

41. Have you ever been played?
no

46. What song do you want played at your funeral?
i dont know a really wierd one i guess

47. What were you doing 12 AM last night?
sitting in bed

48. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
shit i have to get up and go to school

49. Who will you be with this Saturday night?
absolutely no one

50. What woke you up this morning?
the alarm

51. If you took a drug test would you pass?
yeah

52. Is tomorrow going to be a good night?
if i go to a good movie and not a shitty one like my friend wants to

53 Did you kiss or hug anyone today?
no

55. How many myspace accounts do you have?
uno

56. Do or did you like school?
sometimes i do but mostly not

56. Song your listening to?
Let Go by Frou Frou

57. Where would you like to live?
seattle or Southern California... venice beach maybe... san diego is gorgeous too

58. Do long distance relationships work?
nooooo

59. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
some school, studying psychology

60. Who do you wish you were with right now?
anyone

we made a rap at lunch today. Maybe offensive to some people, yell at me all you want... please, i'm begging you to chew me out for it.

Yo All my home-dawgs
in the hood
y'alls got shot like i
knowed ya would
car drives up
pulls out a gone
goes bang bang
damn you's done.

seriously though, i'm the whitest kid you'll ever meet. skin so pale it's almost see through, so in the sun for two minutes and i burn, freckles head to toe, and red hair...

so yeah. kiss kiss bitches